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Early to bed, I've always said, keeps us young men fit! One evening while in gay Paree, a nice young lady said "wee wee" I said such things aren't good for me I always get to bed by half past nine. An air raid warden shouted "men, expect a raid at half past ten. Opposite, a girl so slick by candle light undresses quick, Nine thirty five she snuffs her wick, so I always get to bed by half past nine.

I curl my knees up to my chin when into bed I fall All through the night I'm tucked up tight, with my face turned to the wall. Our little hens were making free, the rooster said don't flirt with me. I'm not so young as I used to be, I always get to bed by half past nine. A bookie bolted sad to tell, the punters all began to yell He shouted as he ran like - well! I always get to bed by half past nine.

I never wander around after dark, I pop my nose under the clothes, And I'm up with the lark. A sultan said, you look hot stuff, my hundred wives I use no bluff. I said for me one's quite enough, I always get to bed by half past nine.

I heard our old tom cat shout, Maria are you coming out? But Maria knows what she's about, cause she always gets to bed by half past nine.

A nudist said "of clothes I've none, Still I won't be sat upon It's time I put my nightie on, I always get to bed by half past nine. My family's too large for our flat, I've got fourteen kids - my hat. But I'm really not surprised at that, I always get to bed by half past nine. Now when I was a boy, my mother's pride and joy She gave me a whistle this is it And no matter where I go, band of hope or picture show My little whistle always makes a hit.

It's been a pal to me it's as easy as can be And to blow it doesn't use up any gristle, A lady came to tea, and when she smiled at Well I blew a little blast on my whistle. I've been to London too, Leicester Square and to the zoo, In the tube and even down the Strand, But no matter where I went I had no accident I always had my whistle in my hand. But once near Waterloo a near squeak it's true I trembled and my hair it seemed to bristle, A lady smiled and stopped and then she nearly dropped When I blew a little blast on my whistle.

When in a country lane, while sheltering from the rain, I soon found out that I was not alone, I heard a sound like this kiss , it must have been a kiss, Two lovers thinking they were on their own. They carried on disgraceful, I went all goosey like, But when the lady shouted "stop it Cecil! Ah well, I'm married now, and I really don't know how, To tell you of the news that came today, I've a little son and heir, yes one, no not a pair, No wonder that I'm feeling bright and gay, I'm feeling very proud, but I mustn't talk so loud, I've been celebrating at the Rose and Thistle, He's a lovely little kid, and the first thing that he did Was to blow a little blast on his whistle.

The stars I've read I'll look ahead and this is what I find Snowstorms and hails, blizzards and gales, through fog away we grope But next July its going to be dry I can tell it by my horoscope Climbing last week a big mountain peak, I slipped down the rocky slope I cried as I fell "I'm on my way to bed, I can tell it by my horoscope". There's lucky colours, lucky stones, lucky numbers too. Lucky eight as sure as fate will always pull me through. Said Grandpa so gay, mixed bathing one day "With Flappers I still can cope" I'm older in years but I've got some young ideas, I can tell it by my horoscope My cousin Joe pulled a wishbone with Flo and said, "For the best let's hope" Then he whispered, "Ooh!

My wish is coming true, I can tell it by my horoscope". When I think of the years that I've spent on the dole well I can't bear the sound of my name. But I'm going to reform and I'm looking around for a job that I think I can do.

I'll just work like a horse and have no more remorse. There'll be no need for me to feel blue. Because I went to the races not long ago, and watched every jockey that won. He just sat on his horse while it covered the course and he got fifty quid when he'd done. Now if I understood horses and knew how to ride and worked off a bit of my fat. If I was head stableman to the great Aga Khan I could make a good living, Make a good living, make a good living at that. Some cricketers came from Australia last year, And the newspapers made such a fuss.

I don't know what the row was about but it seems That they'd taken some cinders from us. There was one in particular, Don was his name He's the youngest one that gets my goat.

For a millionaire chap liked his playing so much That he sent him a thousand pound note. Just imagine a lad picking money up so Just because he belonged to a club I could almost repent at the long years I've spent Playing dominoes down at the pub. Now if I understood cricket and what it's about And knew how to handle a bat If I could beat Bradman's score of three hundred and four I could make a good living, make a good living, make a good living at that.

And if I went into Parliament that would be fine, I'd have such a lot to discuss. I would have some debates on the taxes and rates I'd duly create lots of fuss, And I wouldn't sit there and say nothing like some I would always be wearing my hat And if they made me Premier at ten thousand a year I could make a good living, make a good living, make a good living at that. Come on George you'll hear them roar, ten to one I'll start for sure, I'll pass the post by half past four, I couldn't let the stable down.

To race in France I'll begin, quest que ce tres bon chin chin, I learnt that off a sardine tin, I couldn't let the stable down. Cast off clothes I used to sell, in riding breeches I look swell A girl said "cast off those as well," I couldn't let the stable down. Near the town hall yesterday with my horse I couldn't stay, They said "the mayor might come that way" And I couldn't let the stable down. In our nudist camp by gosh, what I wear makes me look posh, A nice transparent mackintosh.

I couldn't let the stable down. A dame said "for a sport that's real, shoot at my country seat at Deal. Alternative couplet At hunt the button with Miss Moore, I played for hours and what is more, I found what I was hunting for, I couldn't let the stable down.

I sling it on my back and I take it everywhere, It even comes to bed at night. It's been a real good pal to me I must confess And helped me out of many a mess. My sister had a lot of socks to mend, So she gave me a fat bouncing baby to tend, And when I felt it leaking at one end, Well I did what I could with my gas mask.

I bought a farm because I like fresh air, At milking time a try to do my share. And when I found the bucket wasn't there I did what I could with my gasmask. The lady living next door, Mrs. Hicks She heard the sirens blow one morn at ten to six. She dashed outside in nothing but her nicks, But she knew what to do with her gasmask. By train I went for a very tiring ride, There wasn't any corridor outside. And when I felt the turning of the tide Well I did what I could with my gasmask.

For years I've courted Anabella Price And always found her just as cold as ice Until one night the lass forgot her ma's advice Then I did what I could with my gasmask. At school I drew the teacher's face on someone else's slate, Now I'm grown up I write rude words upon the doctor's gate. I don't like, full of passion I could be, You'd wonder what's come over me, but I don't like. If you knew, I could be romantic too And even prove how I love you but I don't like Can't we take a lesson from the birdies up above, they enjoy life's blessings And they all get along with a little bit of love.

I don't like, when I'm all alone with you There's always something we could do, but I don't like I'm not rough, sure I've waited long enough I want to start and do my stuff but I don't like Can't we take a lesson from the birdies up above, they enjoy life's blessings, And they all get along with a little bit of love. But I don't like, if I had a stronger will, I'm certain I'd give you a thrill but I don't like I don't like, I've never loved a girl before, I'd take you home and lock the door, but I don't like.

They told me to lead a gay life, a life that was dashing and free So I made me mind up to do something rash, to show what a nut I could be. So I parted my hair in the middle, in the middle, in the middle. Now when I leave my hotel everyone follows me, dogs as well. If I give a girl the glad eye, I smile and I say "Twiddle, twiddle" And I've smoked some brown paper without being ill since I parted my hair in the middle.

Patter One night with a girl you'll agree, I had an appointment and so And as I'm just a little bit spoony, on airing my best Sunday clothes I did go. I got her a nice bunch of flowers, from a dustbin just up the back street Then as I stood in front of the looking-glass there To make my appearance complete. I parted my hair in the middle, in the middle, in the middle, Then I noticed our tom cat was washing his face on the front door mat He carefully curved his moustache, then at me his left eye he did twiddle Then I knew that he'd got an appointment as well 'Cause he's parted his hair in the middle.

With bulls I can juggle, though madly they struggle, they can't get away from this kid There's nobody else could be keener, it's a treat to watch me fight the bull. I chase them all round the arena and make nasty scars on their skull. Then I play on my Spanish guitar, tralla, la, la, la, la, la, 1a, la. The president's wife is the curse of his life, She loves drinking wine 'til she's full.

One night she got canned and fell out o' grandstand Right onto a nasty big bull. Then over it's head the bull tossed her, I laughted and began to recite "There was a young lady from Gloucester.

Then I played on my Spanish guitar, Now I'm sure that old dame's got a scar. The bull caught her bending, it's really heart rending She's got to stand up in the car, ha, ha. I've had lots of fights and I've had a few frights, There was once when the bull got me down. He jumped on my corns and stuck both of his horns In my shanty in old shanty town. His eyes they were staring and glassy, I could feel his hot breath in my ear. So I stabbed him three times in the chassis And wished him a happy new year.

Then I played on my Spanish guitar While the people all shouted "hurrah". That bull got a shock, so he turned into Oxo, You'll find him on sale in the bar, ha, ha. I've left old Madrid, it's a good job I did I'd get shot if I went there again.

They gave me the sack but I got my own back They'll be sorry they chased me from Spain. I'll bet that old town is excited, In the bull ring there'll be lots of rows. But the animals, they'll be delighted 'cos I've mixed all the bulls with the cows. But don't tell a soul, 'cos I'm going on the dole 'till I've mastered this lousy guitar, ha, ha. I learnt this sloppy tune,then one night underneath the Wigan moon. I told my baby with the ukulele, I sung a song of Araby, I told my baby with the ukulele, but she only laughed at me.

So I told my baby with the ukulele, I bashed her with it over the head, But oh! She was a pal, I only wish you could have seen that gal.

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